someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We got so high we made milksteak
why do cheetos always look like penises
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
