Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize