I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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