everyone is single if you try hard enough
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
smell my finger.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Randomize
