I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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