I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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