hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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