everyone is single if you try hard enough
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
