Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
