some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
