9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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