I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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