i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
