Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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