the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
