Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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