I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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