i don't like sucking hair
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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