I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
