I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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