i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
