happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
