I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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