Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
