I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
