look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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