i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
