are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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