it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
