She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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