I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
