Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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