mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
