Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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