she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
