i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
