Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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