I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
