Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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