I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
