when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
