Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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