My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
