For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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