Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
