So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
