My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
