quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
