So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
