I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
