Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
