just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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