Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
