The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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