Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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