he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
