I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
