wat bout pragnant strippers??
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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